Feature image from ALLABOUTVISION
This morning I had a freak out. Not a regular kind of ITP freak out, but a full blown monster freakout.
I thought my blood disorder was going really well. I had been stable and healthy and happy for a long time. I felt like I was in a good place and that I could relax for a little while. This is probably what made my freak out even worse! Here’s what happened.
I woke up this morning, I went to the bathroom and I looked in the mirror. In the corner of my right eye was a blown blood vessel, bright and fresh, staining the corner of my eye with blood.
I did not rationally tell myself that people get blown blood vessels in their eye all the time, from sneezing, bending over, coughing, or for no apparent reason. I did not behave like a person who has lived with ITP for more than 8 years.
I did not behave like a person who started a website about ITP, to help hundreds of patients a month live calmly and peacefully with their ITP. Oh No!
Instead, I completely freaked out. I told myself I was going to die; that overnight I’d been bleeding into my brain, I was convinced platelet count was below 10 and there was nothing that could be done to save my poor life. I was a goner!
I stood there, staring at my bleeding eye.
My hair was in a big pile on my head, my pajamas were all crumpled and a little smelly. In the strange dawn light I was sure it was a waste of time going to the hospital. It seemed like a waste of energy.
I did not want to die in a hospital. Better to die calmly in my own bed, I told myself. So I went back into my bedroom and jumped into bed with my husband to die calmly in his arms. (I kid you not this is actually what I was thinking!!)
As soon as I saw him, I immediately knew I’d over reacted. My platelet count was 57 last week. I didn’t have a headache, I didn’t feel sick, I wasn’t going to die. I went back to the bathroom and looked at my eye again.
The dot of blood was tiny. I mean tiny! I felt foolish, paranoid and embarrassed.
So why am I telling you this?
Because living with ITP can be scary – even after 8 years.