A Confession From Me; Why I Completely Freaked Out

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Feature image from ALLABOUTVISION

This morning I had a freak out.  Not a regular kind of ITP freak out, but a full blown monster freakout.

I thought my blood disorder was going really well.  I had been stable and healthy and happy for a long time. I felt like I was in a good place and that I could relax for a little while.  This is probably what made my freak out even worse!  Here’s what happened.

I woke up this morning, I went to the bathroom and I looked in the mirror. In the corner of my right eye was a blown blood vessel, bright and fresh, staining the corner of my eye with blood.

I did not rationally tell myself that people get blown blood vessels in their eye all the time, from sneezing, bending over, coughing, or for no apparent reason.  I did not behave like a person who has lived with ITP for more than 8 years.

I did not behave like a person who started a website about ITP, to help hundreds of patients a month live calmly and peacefully with their ITP.  Oh No!

Instead, I completely freaked out.  I told myself I was going to die; that overnight I’d been bleeding into my brain, I was convinced platelet count was below 10 and there was nothing that could be done to save my poor life.  I was a goner!

I stood there, staring at my bleeding eye.

My hair was in a big pile on my head, my pajamas were all crumpled and a little smelly.  In the strange dawn light I was sure it was a waste of time going to the hospital.  It seemed like a waste of energy.

I did not want to die in a hospital.  Better to die calmly in my own bed, I told myself.  So I went back into my bedroom and jumped into bed with my husband to die calmly in his arms.  (I kid you not this is actually what I was thinking!!)

As soon as I saw him, I immediately knew I’d over reacted.  My platelet count was 57 last week.  I didn’t have a headache, I didn’t feel sick, I wasn’t going to die.  I went back to the bathroom and looked at my eye again.

The dot of blood was tiny.  I mean tiny!  I felt foolish, paranoid and embarrassed.

So why am I telling you this?

Because living with ITP can be scary – even after 8 years.

by Meg

Meghan Brewster is a writer and blogger. She is an ITP patient and launched ITP&Me in 2011. She is a coffee lover and a try hard dancer. @meghan_brewster

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